Weirdest dream...

Dreamt I was about to get it on with this amazing redhead- and Omid fro work was there, fucking cock blocking!

Waiting to die

I feel like there is evil inside of me. Evil I can barely control...

My only ability to prevent it from doing something terrible, is to inflict pain on myself. Not physical, no..I haven't the taste for that. It plays with my decisions. With my emotions, with my very life.

I sabotage myself, continuously - the endgame being suicide. When I cannot bear it any longer, a quick jump, stab, or long sleep will offer to peaceful salvation, only physically harming myself, while leaving emotional scars on those that do care (which at this point, is a short list and completely oblivious people)

Unhappy, unemployed, hopeless. These are the words I see etched across my pathetic and pitiful face when I look in the mirror. Disgusted, ashamed, dishonored. These words I hear in my solitude. The self help books I've bought over and over again, and never finished would probably offer some explanation on these moods, not that I would listen to them.

I feel like I've been on this ride too long, and I need to get off. Depression, suicide, sorrow, solitude, the need to push everyone and everything that wants to help away. I can't stand the stares, pity in their eyes, the pity in their voice. The uninformed optimism in their hapless advice.

My life has been ending 1 minute at a time, and unlike my friends and family, I have not made the best of it - and I'm not even having a good time. Days like these I envy the homeless drug addicts just a few streets from here. Living yours days out in complete disorientation, knowing that you're at rock bottom, and can go no lower...must be freeing.

There's something truly comforting in having no hope. You start to look at those people who are successful as a different entity altogether. They're the pure, righteous, noble and honorable people. They have no need to consort with the likes of me. And in some small way, I'm doing all those people a favor, by removing myself from their responsibility. They no longer have to uphold their standard of assisting those in need with me. I will disappear, fall off the radar, move and build a putrid little life elsewhere. Non-existent and out of reach.

This time, I won't make the mistake of making friends. Of making associations with people who would grow to care. I won't bother myself with discovering who is good and who is bad. I'll just exist.

Too much emotion for one day, and what comes to mind the most at these junctures?

Lisa. How things may have been different. And especially, how my decision to remove her from my life, was the best thing to happen to her. She won't try to desperately hang on as I sink deeper and deeper into depression. She won't feel the pain of defeat when she realizes I cannot be saved.

Anger is so much easier to deal with...

Failing Hurts...alot

Weeks after my discovery (well, I shouldn't be surprised) that my Ex is moving on and doing very well, I still haven't changed.

My life is still fraught with disaster, stress and impending doom. I just can't seem to get motivated and dig myself out. Let me list some of the things that have gone terribly wrong:

1) Rent was due, and I haven't paid yet.

2) I haven't been working out - but lie about it to anyone who asks

3) I still haven't found a job, or found out exactly what education I need to get into the program I require

4) I've never been so depressed...

5) The women in my life are beginning to resent me for the depression

6) I Can't connect with anyone romantically, because I am so completely lost

7) I STILL can't seem to clean my room

8) Michelle decided she's not coming back next year, which screws me (so I'm moving out)

9) Bills are due (Cell and Rogers Cable) over $1000 that I don't have

10) My parents hate me, I don't call them back, or answer their calls...

What am I doing about it?

Today I sat on the Ottawa River and:

1) Applied to a few jobs

2) Finished my resume and cover letter

3) finished my preparation chapter for the book I'm reading (about body language)

4) Talked to my landlord about rent and getting money from my LIF (Life Income Fund) to pay in advance

Tomorrow, I goto Brockville with Angela, hopefully, spending time with her will take my mind off of all this craziness.

Today, I will finish tidying up

A)Michelle's room (after seeing Angela)

B) Find out about taking online courses for Math (for entrance to College)

C) Apply for a few more jobs (government etc)

D) Send my application for EQUIFAX out (for my free credit report)

E) Establish a plan to call the creditors and figure out how I can pay them (slowly)

Hopefully, my next post will have more progress.

Dawn of a new day.

Second chances begin now.

I was invited out to dinner with this amazing married couple last night. It is always humbling to spend time with people who have high morals, stand up for what they believe in, and eat very well.

The aftermath of a night of good conversation, food and sharing alcohol is that my stomach cannot take it, thus I blog from the confines of my dumpy lavatory, a victim of not taking the correct medication, and defaulting on my 'no beer' rule.

A few things have come up that I needed to write. A quote from Eleanor Roosevelt : great minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events and simple minds discuss people.

and

Nothing is to small to know, and nothing is too big to attempt.

The conversations I've had last night were of the idyllic nature, which means that last night I spent time discussing my view on the global warming conundrum and drinking beer- what an awesome night.

Gym membership is in full effect, today will be my first official day. I punched out of working out this week because of a developing injury so hopefully today will go swimmingly.

Wish me luck...

Excercise and responsibility

My procrastinating ways are far from over.

I'm still battling my own lethargy, flavoured with my own unique self-pity and heightened wallowing ability. I have broke down on my workout plan. All is not lost, only 4 days off so far, and if I can get my shit together, tomorrow will be a good day.

Money problems have mounted though, down to $114 in my account, and only 15 days to come up with $890 for rent, not to mention bills!

Here is my to do list for the next 48 hours.

1) Visit H&R Block, those bastards still have my taxes fucked up, and I'm pissed. I'm demanding a refund at the point.

2) Sort all my dirty clothes, hang up the clean ones in Michelle's Bedroom

3) CLEAN HER ROOM (in general)

4) Clean the back deck

5) Clean the main room

6) Cleanup Upstairs room

7) Go for a run (x2)

8) Weight Train (x2)

9) Put ad for room rental, $550 all included (furnished room with A/C, in the market) 5 months only.

10) Put an ad up for computer repair (free advice by e-mail, cheap repair rates)

Experienced technician, (10 years professionally).

11) Finished fixing Lidia's computer

12) Finish setting up Angela's media centre PC

13) Goto the recruiting office and ask about debt, and how it related to the Canadian Military, available positions, training

14) Goto Government University, Colleges and Training Offices to ask about going back to school

I've been keeping up with my no-beer rule (only allowed once a week) - and I've continued to avoid junk food at all costs. Though not working out for 4 days makes me feel shitty. I need to re-double my efforts to drink the required amount of water per day.

Hopefully, with a decent dinner and good sleep tonight, I will attack mt duties tomorrow with renewed vengeance.

That's it for now!

dreams and nightmares

SO,

Alot has happened. I was fired from my job of almost 5 Years....

It was painful. They smiles as they told me my employment was being terminated. I am recovering, starving for money, and bitter from all the additional hours I put in, and all the weekends, friendships and relationships I've sacrificed for that business.

The Canadian Military is my next challenge. I'm going to change my life. Before I'm 30 years old I will be 1) Healthy, in-shape 2) in the military, at the beginning of my career.

What brought on the dreams/nightmares title of this entry, refers to a dream I had a few nights ago. Dreams seem to real, and even when you wake up, the feelings you experiences linger for days, or weeks depending on their intensity. The feelings are still here, more than a week later, and they've driven me to make a major life change.

The DREAM:

I bumped into my ex girlfriend Lisa, somewhere in Ottawa. And she looked absolutely stunning. She had clearly lost weight, had a good natural tan, and was full of life. The way I remember her when I met her. And I... Well I looked like I do now. I felt foolish, and stupid.

When I woke up, I immediately creeped her on facebook. From the limited access, I could see her profile picture, showing a toned, muscle ripped midriff, and a healthy tan. I was pissed off.

I'm not angry with her, I am so completely happy for her - excited and pleased that she is looking great, and seems to be enjoying her life, much more-so that I'm not involved.

I was upset with myself. From the age of 8-20, I was always overly physically active. Spent most friday afternoons playing basketball with the teachers at my schools, friday nights at the gym playing basketball, swimming or working out. Saturdays playing basketball outdoors, or at the Nepean Sportsplex, Sundays's playing basketball at Jockvale Elementary. And Mondays, playing at Cedarview church.

I have spent the last 10 years, working behind desks, pushing buttons (and paper) - and it has taken those 10 years to destroy my previously decent physique and endurance.

I have to kick it up a few notches. I take that back, I need to change my entire life to get back on track. Feeling good, and looking good are usually linked together. I haven't felt good about my body since I left High School!

So, On Tuesday, I started a workout plan to feel good, and look good. Here are the deets:

I complete to do two physical activities a day, one cardio and one strength.

Cardio is Either running (minimum 2k), or rollerblading (minimum 5k). Once I receive my gym membership, I will also substitute swimming for 30 minutes (laps) and biking (30 minutes)

Strenth include 50 situps or 50 pushups a day, and once the gym membership is finalized, a standard 30 minute strenth training session (lower, core or upper).

ADDITIONAL RULES:

NO JUNK FOOD (which includes: wedges plus, macdonalds, candy, sugary cereal, pastries chips, popcorn, soft drinks and specially snack foods like chocolate bars, marshmallows and ice cream!) Beer only once a week.

I started by drafting this plan, then throwing out ALL the junk food in my house. Buying salad's and fresh fruit weekly, and eating nuts and dried fruit as snacks. WHAT A CHANGE!

Unfortunately, there is a side effect of my increased physical activity. My achilles heel on my right foot is giving me alot of pain. The research I've done on the internet suggests that it is a) not serious and b) it is caused by the sudden increase in physical activity. I need to stretch more, elevate it and put Ice on it in the future. I will abstain from running, instead turning to rollerblading and other low-impact exercises for my cardio.

For now, time to sleep, GO SPAIN (world cup 2010)

Days Gone By...

Sitting at a Mt. Trembland resort, chillin' with Diego, his family and friends- I find it hard to believe 1 year ago, I was reeling from one of the worst mistakes/breakups I've ever had.

It stings to this day, and I find myself wondering if she still feels the same way. Some days, I would do anything to have her back. Otherdays, it is completely apparent we didn't have a chance in my current (previous) state.

I still check her facebook profile from time to time (just like me, no updates). I still think about her all the time. I have a collection of her stuff I need to return, and am both dreading and excited about her possibly returning to Ottawa (Carleton).

Eternally sorry for everything that has happened, I have removed myself from friend and acquiaintences that do not matter. I have started to work out vehimently so out next encounter I will look decent, like I've been taking care of myself.

I really have been. I feel better than I ever have, working out and eating right. (Still need more fruits and vegetables...) Now I just need a career to move myself into the right position in life.

Resisting

Trying not to look at her profile.
It's been a few weeks, my deep depression is starting to fade, as are the memories. Having a terrible memory seldom has any rewards.

Still miss many things about her...still have many moments that a story or scenario "reminds me of". Working to cover up....everything.

I'm beginning to forget the reason for my self torture..knowing only the pain. The desire to make amends, but not the determination.

Tomorrow will bring a new day, filled with as many pitfalls as yesterday, and the same perilous risk.


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Dealing...

It's been a week since I met the ex....and i've been dealing with the emotions - the decision to not continue any relationship (friend or otherwise) with her still wears heavily on me.

The realization of how strongly the feelings for her are, and how their continued presence, although diminished in effect, still have enough influnce to bring tears and give pause...

I find myself hoping Ill never see her again....
Even though it pains me..eventually, this feeling will fade, like an old scar...
There is no point establishing a relationship with her. We were never friends, we began as lovers, and in this world, there is no future as anything else...



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Days later

Changes in my life are like fireworks...

Exciting, they illuminate everything for a short time

unsent e-mail....

Her Message:

Hi,

Sorry for my LONG response time - I've been travelling and away from internet access.

Please take this with a grain of salt. Guylaine told me that she was happy you were considering joining the Navy because she claims that Devooght has been "gunning for you" for a long time. Guylaine claims that in all of her actions with Andrea about the future of the business centre and hotel operations in general, Devooght has been trying to make the IT department a scapegoat for anything that doesn't work perfectly.

It's coming from Guylaine, so it's probably not anything to worry about.

Also, I'd like to clarify something that I said during coffee... you asked me if I learned anything from dating you, and I said "I've learned not to trust anyone" - that was wrong. I guess I was attempting to sting you one more time. I really wanted to say that from dating you, I learned that I need to prioritize myself and not lose myself - When we dated, I lost track of many of my priorities, and sacrificed aspects of my identity because I was so blinded by my adoration for you. I know now in my future that when I date (perhaps this should say IF i date), I will be more committed to my own happiness rather than being the perfect girlfriend. Please know that I do not blame you for my losing of myself - it was me, not you.

Geez, what a lengthy e-mail. I'd enjoy a coffee with you in the future, but may be a long way off - I am moving home to St.T.

My Response (is nothing - but this is what I want to say:)

Dear Lisa.

I love you. I still do, and until my dying days, I will always love you. You say that you were trying to "sting" me by telling me I taught you never to trust anyone. This doesn't sting as much as the notion that being 'god' status with your friends, which involves sleeping with as many randoms, having the 'best' story and drinking until you forget what happened hurts the absolute most.

I care about you. I care about what happens to you. And I'm both scared and saddened if you are attempting to find your own happiness at the bottom of a keg-stand.

Because of how I feel, I really cannot be friends with you. It's painful to be in love with someone you've wronged, and can never go back..and have them destroy themselves right in front of your eyes. All to be the life of the party, all to have your friends idolize your dangerous, reckless and foolish antics. I hope eventually you snap out of it. That you realize that you are worth so much more than a foolish story about 3 guys you took to your bedroom...

This will be the last time you will ever converse with me. I have no way of knowing if this has any effect on you - if you ever care. I guess it doesn't matter.

Please know, that I will always hold you (the you that I fell in love with ) in the highest regards. And that I would do anything to go back, and re-live our special moments.

- Colin

________________

I have decided NOT to respond to her e-mail. I think, a quiet, dignified non-response will effectively end our 2-year relationship; it didn't feel right being friends, and (although it may seem nearsighted) I can't seem to picture us being anything BUT lovers or enemies.

I shed bitter tears, in deciding not to respond - and more-so, deciding not to allow a relationship in any format to evolve from the disaster that was the end of our relationship. Even now, I write this with tears in my eyes, and a lump in my throat. I would beg her to stay, but there is no going back, at the situation I created, and followed through...

Post meeting jitters

I can say the worst part of the meeting was that she confirmed my worst fears...

She is drinking to the point of alcoholism, and being dangerously promiscuous again.

I'd like to say that I knew (and probably still know) Lisa better than the majority of her friends. She told me in absolute confidence that she knew she had a problem with drinking...

And that all the sleeping around, she did because she hated herself..or didn't feel adequate, or something along those lines.

To hear her come back and tell me she's gone back to the very thing she said she abhorred? Telling me her friends have raised her to 'God' status? "They think I'm a god" - ..

It hurts more than ever -

Hearing that makes me want to insert myself back into her life.

Makes me want to pull her back into mine - and get back to where we need to be - together - to grow... become better people..

There is so much I wanted to say - but I knew I couldn't. Being prepared helped me not fall apart when I told her how I feel.

At times, she was almost brought to tears - and so was I. There is still alot of unrequited love. And she my be able to lie to me- and tell me she's loving single life - but I know that isn't all true.

I miss her, and even if it's on a small level, I miss her much much more. I am changing. I'm changing into someone I want to be. I'm changing into a better person - so I can become a father, a successful content person. And in a large way, it is because of the effect she had on my life.

Enough of all this - I'm still feeling pretty queazy about all this. I'm going to put my creative energies into cleaning my room and throwing out lots of old, useless junk & cables.

The meeting day...m-day....

Nervousness is crawling up from my stomach and slowly making its way to my throat...









I thought of a few things to say/not say/be aware of:

Asking about her family, her father, mother, sister and brother. Their dog

If she says they miss me- tell her I miss them too
If she says something negative, just say that I miss them and i make mistakes just like everyone else.

Well, pathetic fallacy never fails, the weather blows today. Wish me luck!


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The meeting...

SO - I will be meeting Lisa at Planet coffee tomorrow - 5pm.

Am I nervous?

Hell yes.

Just the thought of being in a 1-on-1 conversation with her is enough to make my stomach turn somersaults, my body perspire out of control and my heart race. When I think about her I am both completely enamored, ashamed and appalled. I still have very strong feelings for her. I still miss her, but the escapade has taught me that in love, those OIAL moments truly only happen once. (Once In A Lifetime)

In any case, I'm going to try and figure out all the possibly angles she may have to our conversation tomorrow. I will resist the urge to get horribly drunk before our engagement - I can barely stand to think about everything that happened....

What I will do:

Leave right after the OPS meeting (3pm-4pm). goto Chapters, purchase a book (Fahrenheit 451). Goto Planet Coffee (4:30ish)

What I am willing to say:

"I loved you Lisa" - notice the past-sense, not to give away current feelings

I am confused and conflicted - everything that's happened has made me ashamed. Ashamed that I didn't try harder;

Ashamed that I could let go of my pride - in favour of her, in favour of help

How I'm sorry at how things progressed, and how things ended

That my life is very routine.

I work out regularly.

I see my parents and talk to them regularly

I enjoy living alone and have moved into Michelle's Bedroom

I have made an office upstairs

I have applied to the military and have differed my enlistment for 6 months to cleanup my financial situation.

That I don't go out to clubs anymore

Spend most nights reading, and trying to broaden my horizons

What I will not say:

That I'm in love with her

That I would do anything for her

That I would give her my life if she asked

That I'm completely miserable without her

That everything I've done since, has been devoid of emotion, feeling or pride

What she might say:

That she still loves me

R: Why? You can't be in love with me - after all that's happened, you've moved on -

reconnected with your friends - etc.

That she wants me back

R: WHY? - I'm sorry Lisa, I am too confused, and conflicted to make that kind of decision right now. This is just a rash decision.

That she hates me

R: I'm sorry for what happened. I truly am Lisa. I cannot undo what's done, all I can do

is not repeat the same mistakes.

Questions - did I cheat

R: no, I did not.

Questions - did I date Emily

R: No, I did not. We were together informally for a while after I broke up with you, and

you found out I slept with her. I was ashamed that it was brought to work in such

a public manner; And I had no friends, she comforted me, and spent time with me,

and it didn't feel so bad while I was with her - for a little while at least.

Questions - how am I doing

Questions - how many times did I sleep with other peopls

R: I really don't think it's appropriate to talk about that Lisa.

Questions - am I happy

R: definitely not. I'm struggling, but I've set myself on a course that will hopefully

lead somewhere

Questions - how was my vacation

R: it was good. I sat on a beach, read (for the most part) , I drank from a coconut.

Took some dance lessons, went on a jeep tour with Angela

Questions - did you go with anybody

R: Yeah, the original plan was to go with a whole bunch of people, but after I booked, all

the others (Like Diego, Colleen, Victor, Victor's girlfriend, Tatiana and D's mom,

Mark Garnes and a few others cancelled). Ended up being just Angela and I

who followed through.

Apology: For drunken-dialing

R: It's all in the past. nobody was hurt. don't worry about the work reaction - the place is

a rumour mill anyways.

Apology: For rude messages

R: I understand you're hurt. And there is no need for an apology. I could never be angry

with you

How I will react:

Calm. Assertive (when I tell her I need to think about it, or I don't have an answer, or that's inappropriate for me to discuss)

WHAT I WILL NOT ASK:

About anything sexual.

About her trip

about what she does in her free time.

Wow - I think that's about it. I will re-read this tomorrow and make sure I'm ready for this meetin (GULP!)

The main goal is to not let her know that I'm still madly in love with her. And that I would do absolutely anything for a second chance...

NOTE: Police Academy was on - HILARIOUS, I feel like I'm 7 again....

Except it's pretty raunchy - now that I understand all the humor and discriminatory homosexual jokes...

P.S. DON'T FORGET TO SHAVE AND BRING ANOTHER SET OF CLOTHING!!!

Mobile Blogging!

New Iphone program allows me to blog from my IPhone. How novel!

failure -

last week I promised I would work out at least 4 times. I didn't even work out once!

This week I cannot fail.

The Ex-GF came back from her vacation - how do I know? I'm obsessed. She's back at it again, sleeping with randoms, telling her friends for a good laugh.

I still can't believe that she thought it would be okay to tell me in graphic detail her sexual exploits just after we'd broken up. All this, combined with her mental explosion and drunk dialing are causing me great pain and anguish.

She has asked to meet with me (sometime in the near future) to apologize and give back some of my old items.

How do I feel about this? I'm still not sure. Should I tell her how much I miss her. How much I still feel for her? Or is this suicide? I need more time for my brain to adjust to what happened between us. And the notion that I gave up, and I have to deal with it.

How hypocritical I am, my stomach turning somersaults at the thought of her fucking random guys, and her friends instigating it, and having a good laugh at her expense. How fucking foolish am I to believe I could have had any effect on her life?

Chances are, she won't e-mail me to follow up on our supposed meeting. At this point, I'm considering not responding if she does try to reach out to me. I want to hear her voice, look into her eyes and tell another lie. Lie by omission of my feelings, lie by ignoring how I feel, and by not sharing my regrets.

I truly ... still love her. There's just no going back.

This week:

Work out 4 times (a must)

Work out Rent details with Lidia

Budget lunch meals (2.50 per day)

Call Ministry of Transportation (for parking ticket)

Talk to Recruitment center about Military enlistment options

Another Day

I played basketball last night - still realizing that I let all my skill and athletic ability slip away. Replaced with a ferocious lethargy, and depression. What a challange to overcome!

I will be attempting to stimulate my dormant athletic ability - but working out more frequently.

Quick update (as this is continued from another day):

GOALS:

Weight goals - I'm 210lbs - stomach is showing bulge, not very comfortable naked.

This week (Monday-Sunday), in addition to my two sports nights (Mon/Wed) I will commit to two gym sessions this week. Either before, or after work.

Note: Buy a BIG calendar (whiteboard) on next paycheque

Financials - I signed up for more TV Channels, only to realize my roommate didn't contribute to the last bill, leaving a $500+ bill for me.

I'll pay it down over a series of increased payments. Also, I missed my rent payment (bounced check) for the third time! I agreed to pay my money order for the future, which means I need to put aside $450 for the next bill, and I also need to put aside $100 for my rogers cell phone bill. My court settlement should have been finalized this week, thus, I will need to pay $500 to cover the judgement of "no valid license" - a reduced charge. Payment will be due (approx) on March 12th, 2010. This means, I will need to put aside $250 this paycheque, and $250 next paycheque to cover this amount.

I need an additional source of income. I will re-double my efforts to either a) start fixing computers part-time outside of work - or - b) get a second job, 10-20hrs a week.

Note: Bought large flip-chart paper & markers to track progress, keep goals & focus

Debts: No progress - OSSC cheque coming out prevented me from purchasing a cell phone - will do on next paycheque, $100 budget (strict - maybe Koodo!)

$300 minimum Credit Card (Capital One), would like to push it to $1000

Routines:

In progress - re-organized and cleaned my main room. Haven't slept in my bed since Lisa and I broke up, will try to move off of the couch by March 12th (friday).

Pretty steady with Mon/Wed sports nights. I miss Gladiators (my former team).

Eating is still sporadic. My diet consists of what I know how to cook, how quickly I can cook, and how long it stays good in my fridge. This means, eggs, bacon and bread - perpetual 'brinner' .

My mother suggests frozen vegetables & rice. I have both, but I want it to be sweet, perhaps I will try integrating maple syrup or some sort of sweet dressing with it.

Lisa was always so inventive - coming up with wonderful medley's she would instantly repute. I secretly enjoyed EVERY bite - my praise having no effect. I miss those days.

Career - Military/Navy is looking promising. After research, I've realized that my limited education has yet again caused a setback. With even a College Diploma, I could start as an officer...but I will be starting at the lowest payscale. Who cares? What are my expenses after I get shipped off?

With everything that happened with lisa, I feel like the most dangerous, difficult posting would feel right. Perhaps along the way I would garner some sort of backbone.

Diego is looking to do the same. After his departure from the Westin - he's looking for a new path. New career. His successes in business rival his successes with Women. He attacks every problem with a ferocious and un-caring attitude. Only one goal, success at any cost. Nothing gets in his way. Friendships, love, health...

I admire Diego - I truly idolize his work ethic. But where he excels, and I fail, the reverse is true. I excel at love. That 1-on-1 dedication, where they will do anything for you. Want nothing but your affection and love....

Although, my success has been dampened by my own insecurities. Her success, seems to reflect my failures. Even though I couldn't be more proud of her accomplishments. Her drive, her natural abilities coupled with her determination made me love, want, fantasize and despise her all at the same time. I let the doubt consume me. Her willingness to fulfill my every need, amplified my feelings of inadequacy.

It wasn't her fault.

She was perfect in every way.

Enough babbling.

My birthday was yesterday - and I only have one reflection on my 29 years of life.

I'm a coward

I need help

I need to live - experience life

I'm reconnecting with my parents and brother (yay)

I'm getting control of my finances

My love life is a disaster.

I hate birthdays for many reasons - some of them involve people dying in and around the date of February 12th. Some of them involve a hatred for getting older - time is the fire in which we all burn. It's a reminder that I've squandered precious time, wasting what little I have for useless ventures and failed conquests.

Happiness has always slipped away.

END

A new beginning - a new end

Horribly addicted to loud music. Not because I'm a metal fan, or enjoy powerchords, but - because it helps drown out my own thoughts and feelings. I put my earphones in, find the loudest, most ear-shattering song, put my head down and walk home.

I sometimes wonder what people think when they see me walking. Do they hear the music? Do they think I'm homeless? Or maybe have some sort of disability - whatever the cause, I am so caught up in wallowing in my own shame, I can't care about anything else.

The girl

I've had some spectacular failures in my lifetime, but this seems to be the biggest failure to date.

I dropped out of College; I failed many courses in high school, didn't have the grades to get into University, and not enough will power to stick to any specific job. Yes - I am a master of the gift-of-gab. That initial 'halo' effect dissolves quickly once others realize that I am low in substance, and full of shit.

This is the part where I prattle on about how amazing she is/was. The truth is, she wasn't perfect - nobody is. She was a perfectionist. She was always nervous about what people thought. She always covered up pain with laughter. She drank too much. She couldn't let go of the past.

I loved her - totally. And it's only after breaking up with her, and seeing how incomplete i am without her, do I realize what a mistake, what a foolish person i am. I gave up on the 1 thing in my life that was %100 for certain. Now I spend my evenings sleeping on my couch - wearing the same pair of sox/underwear and pants to work day-in-day-out. Nothing matters, only the pain feels real.

When I start feeling normal, good feelings. I want to hurt myself.

I feel like pain is the only tie I have with her. Pain, it feels righteous, feels justified. Almost feels good....is that strange?

Here is my goals:

Lose Weight / Get in Shape

Clean Up my Debts

Establish routines - (workout, meal breaks, activities/hobbies)

Get a new career!

Unreasonable? Possibly. Ambitious? Definitely.

I need to stop torturing myself. I guess it's comforting to know she's moved on - and adjusting well. Lots of friends to rely on, never a quiet night in her place. Never a cold bed at night...