Another Day

I played basketball last night - still realizing that I let all my skill and athletic ability slip away. Replaced with a ferocious lethargy, and depression. What a challange to overcome!

I will be attempting to stimulate my dormant athletic ability - but working out more frequently.

Quick update (as this is continued from another day):

GOALS:

Weight goals - I'm 210lbs - stomach is showing bulge, not very comfortable naked.

This week (Monday-Sunday), in addition to my two sports nights (Mon/Wed) I will commit to two gym sessions this week. Either before, or after work.

Note: Buy a BIG calendar (whiteboard) on next paycheque

Financials - I signed up for more TV Channels, only to realize my roommate didn't contribute to the last bill, leaving a $500+ bill for me.

I'll pay it down over a series of increased payments. Also, I missed my rent payment (bounced check) for the third time! I agreed to pay my money order for the future, which means I need to put aside $450 for the next bill, and I also need to put aside $100 for my rogers cell phone bill. My court settlement should have been finalized this week, thus, I will need to pay $500 to cover the judgement of "no valid license" - a reduced charge. Payment will be due (approx) on March 12th, 2010. This means, I will need to put aside $250 this paycheque, and $250 next paycheque to cover this amount.

I need an additional source of income. I will re-double my efforts to either a) start fixing computers part-time outside of work - or - b) get a second job, 10-20hrs a week.

Note: Bought large flip-chart paper & markers to track progress, keep goals & focus

Debts: No progress - OSSC cheque coming out prevented me from purchasing a cell phone - will do on next paycheque, $100 budget (strict - maybe Koodo!)

$300 minimum Credit Card (Capital One), would like to push it to $1000

Routines:

In progress - re-organized and cleaned my main room. Haven't slept in my bed since Lisa and I broke up, will try to move off of the couch by March 12th (friday).

Pretty steady with Mon/Wed sports nights. I miss Gladiators (my former team).

Eating is still sporadic. My diet consists of what I know how to cook, how quickly I can cook, and how long it stays good in my fridge. This means, eggs, bacon and bread - perpetual 'brinner' .

My mother suggests frozen vegetables & rice. I have both, but I want it to be sweet, perhaps I will try integrating maple syrup or some sort of sweet dressing with it.

Lisa was always so inventive - coming up with wonderful medley's she would instantly repute. I secretly enjoyed EVERY bite - my praise having no effect. I miss those days.

Career - Military/Navy is looking promising. After research, I've realized that my limited education has yet again caused a setback. With even a College Diploma, I could start as an officer...but I will be starting at the lowest payscale. Who cares? What are my expenses after I get shipped off?

With everything that happened with lisa, I feel like the most dangerous, difficult posting would feel right. Perhaps along the way I would garner some sort of backbone.

Diego is looking to do the same. After his departure from the Westin - he's looking for a new path. New career. His successes in business rival his successes with Women. He attacks every problem with a ferocious and un-caring attitude. Only one goal, success at any cost. Nothing gets in his way. Friendships, love, health...

I admire Diego - I truly idolize his work ethic. But where he excels, and I fail, the reverse is true. I excel at love. That 1-on-1 dedication, where they will do anything for you. Want nothing but your affection and love....

Although, my success has been dampened by my own insecurities. Her success, seems to reflect my failures. Even though I couldn't be more proud of her accomplishments. Her drive, her natural abilities coupled with her determination made me love, want, fantasize and despise her all at the same time. I let the doubt consume me. Her willingness to fulfill my every need, amplified my feelings of inadequacy.

It wasn't her fault.

She was perfect in every way.

Enough babbling.

My birthday was yesterday - and I only have one reflection on my 29 years of life.

I'm a coward

I need help

I need to live - experience life

I'm reconnecting with my parents and brother (yay)

I'm getting control of my finances

My love life is a disaster.

I hate birthdays for many reasons - some of them involve people dying in and around the date of February 12th. Some of them involve a hatred for getting older - time is the fire in which we all burn. It's a reminder that I've squandered precious time, wasting what little I have for useless ventures and failed conquests.

Happiness has always slipped away.

END