Am I nervous?
Hell yes.
Just the thought of being in a 1-on-1 conversation with her is enough to make my stomach turn somersaults, my body perspire out of control and my heart race. When I think about her I am both completely enamored, ashamed and appalled. I still have very strong feelings for her. I still miss her, but the escapade has taught me that in love, those OIAL moments truly only happen once. (Once In A Lifetime)
In any case, I'm going to try and figure out all the possibly angles she may have to our conversation tomorrow. I will resist the urge to get horribly drunk before our engagement - I can barely stand to think about everything that happened....
What I will do:
Leave right after the OPS meeting (3pm-4pm). goto Chapters, purchase a book (Fahrenheit 451). Goto Planet Coffee (4:30ish)
What I am willing to say:
"I loved you Lisa" - notice the past-sense, not to give away current feelings
I am confused and conflicted - everything that's happened has made me ashamed. Ashamed that I didn't try harder;
Ashamed that I could let go of my pride - in favour of her, in favour of help
How I'm sorry at how things progressed, and how things ended
That my life is very routine.
I work out regularly.
I see my parents and talk to them regularly
I enjoy living alone and have moved into Michelle's Bedroom
I have made an office upstairs
I have applied to the military and have differed my enlistment for 6 months to cleanup my financial situation.
That I don't go out to clubs anymore
Spend most nights reading, and trying to broaden my horizons
What I will not say:
That I'm in love with her
That I would do anything for her
That I would give her my life if she asked
That I'm completely miserable without her
That everything I've done since, has been devoid of emotion, feeling or pride
What she might say:
That she still loves me
R: Why? You can't be in love with me - after all that's happened, you've moved on -
reconnected with your friends - etc.
That she wants me back
R: WHY? - I'm sorry Lisa, I am too confused, and conflicted to make that kind of decision right now. This is just a rash decision.
That she hates me
R: I'm sorry for what happened. I truly am Lisa. I cannot undo what's done, all I can do
is not repeat the same mistakes.
Questions - did I cheat
R: no, I did not.
Questions - did I date Emily
R: No, I did not. We were together informally for a while after I broke up with you, and
you found out I slept with her. I was ashamed that it was brought to work in such
a public manner; And I had no friends, she comforted me, and spent time with me,
and it didn't feel so bad while I was with her - for a little while at least.
Questions - how am I doing
Questions - how many times did I sleep with other peopls
R: I really don't think it's appropriate to talk about that Lisa.
Questions - am I happy
R: definitely not. I'm struggling, but I've set myself on a course that will hopefully
lead somewhere
Questions - how was my vacation
R: it was good. I sat on a beach, read (for the most part) , I drank from a coconut.
Took some dance lessons, went on a jeep tour with Angela
Questions - did you go with anybody
R: Yeah, the original plan was to go with a whole bunch of people, but after I booked, all
the others (Like Diego, Colleen, Victor, Victor's girlfriend, Tatiana and D's mom,
Mark Garnes and a few others cancelled). Ended up being just Angela and I
who followed through.
Apology: For drunken-dialing
R: It's all in the past. nobody was hurt. don't worry about the work reaction - the place is
a rumour mill anyways.
Apology: For rude messages
R: I understand you're hurt. And there is no need for an apology. I could never be angry
with you
How I will react:
Calm. Assertive (when I tell her I need to think about it, or I don't have an answer, or that's inappropriate for me to discuss)
WHAT I WILL NOT ASK:
About anything sexual.
About her trip
about what she does in her free time.
Wow - I think that's about it. I will re-read this tomorrow and make sure I'm ready for this meetin (GULP!)
The main goal is to not let her know that I'm still madly in love with her. And that I would do absolutely anything for a second chance...
NOTE: Police Academy was on - HILARIOUS, I feel like I'm 7 again....
Except it's pretty raunchy - now that I understand all the humor and discriminatory homosexual jokes...
P.S. DON'T FORGET TO SHAVE AND BRING ANOTHER SET OF CLOTHING!!!
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