I sometimes wonder what people think when they see me walking. Do they hear the music? Do they think I'm homeless? Or maybe have some sort of disability - whatever the cause, I am so caught up in wallowing in my own shame, I can't care about anything else.
The girl
I've had some spectacular failures in my lifetime, but this seems to be the biggest failure to date.
I dropped out of College; I failed many courses in high school, didn't have the grades to get into University, and not enough will power to stick to any specific job. Yes - I am a master of the gift-of-gab. That initial 'halo' effect dissolves quickly once others realize that I am low in substance, and full of shit.
This is the part where I prattle on about how amazing she is/was. The truth is, she wasn't perfect - nobody is. She was a perfectionist. She was always nervous about what people thought. She always covered up pain with laughter. She drank too much. She couldn't let go of the past.
I loved her - totally. And it's only after breaking up with her, and seeing how incomplete i am without her, do I realize what a mistake, what a foolish person i am. I gave up on the 1 thing in my life that was %100 for certain. Now I spend my evenings sleeping on my couch - wearing the same pair of sox/underwear and pants to work day-in-day-out. Nothing matters, only the pain feels real.
When I start feeling normal, good feelings. I want to hurt myself.
I feel like pain is the only tie I have with her. Pain, it feels righteous, feels justified. Almost feels good....is that strange?
Here is my goals:
Lose Weight / Get in Shape
Clean Up my Debts
Establish routines - (workout, meal breaks, activities/hobbies)
Get a new career!
Unreasonable? Possibly. Ambitious? Definitely.
I need to stop torturing myself. I guess it's comforting to know she's moved on - and adjusting well. Lots of friends to rely on, never a quiet night in her place. Never a cold bed at night...
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