She is drinking to the point of alcoholism, and being dangerously promiscuous again.
I'd like to say that I knew (and probably still know) Lisa better than the majority of her friends. She told me in absolute confidence that she knew she had a problem with drinking...
And that all the sleeping around, she did because she hated herself..or didn't feel adequate, or something along those lines.
To hear her come back and tell me she's gone back to the very thing she said she abhorred? Telling me her friends have raised her to 'God' status? "They think I'm a god" - ..
It hurts more than ever -
Hearing that makes me want to insert myself back into her life.
Makes me want to pull her back into mine - and get back to where we need to be - together - to grow... become better people..
There is so much I wanted to say - but I knew I couldn't. Being prepared helped me not fall apart when I told her how I feel.
At times, she was almost brought to tears - and so was I. There is still alot of unrequited love. And she my be able to lie to me- and tell me she's loving single life - but I know that isn't all true.
I miss her, and even if it's on a small level, I miss her much much more. I am changing. I'm changing into someone I want to be. I'm changing into a better person - so I can become a father, a successful content person. And in a large way, it is because of the effect she had on my life.
Enough of all this - I'm still feeling pretty queazy about all this. I'm going to put my creative energies into cleaning my room and throwing out lots of old, useless junk & cables.
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