Her Message:
Hi,
Sorry for my LONG response time - I've been travelling and away from internet access.
Please take this with a grain of salt. Guylaine told me that she was happy you were considering joining the Navy because she claims that Devooght has been "gunning for you" for a long time. Guylaine claims that in all of her actions with Andrea about the future of the business centre and hotel operations in general, Devooght has been trying to make the IT department a scapegoat for anything that doesn't work perfectly.
It's coming from Guylaine, so it's probably not anything to worry about.
Also, I'd like to clarify something that I said during coffee... you asked me if I learned anything from dating you, and I said "I've learned not to trust anyone" - that was wrong. I guess I was attempting to sting you one more time. I really wanted to say that from dating you, I learned that I need to prioritize myself and not lose myself - When we dated, I lost track of many of my priorities, and sacrificed aspects of my identity because I was so blinded by my adoration for you. I know now in my future that when I date (perhaps this should say IF i date), I will be more committed to my own happiness rather than being the perfect girlfriend. Please know that I do not blame you for my losing of myself - it was me, not you.
Geez, what a lengthy e-mail. I'd enjoy a coffee with you in the future, but may be a long way off - I am moving home to St.T.
My Response (is nothing - but this is what I want to say:)
Dear Lisa.
I love you. I still do, and until my dying days, I will always love you. You say that you were trying to "sting" me by telling me I taught you never to trust anyone. This doesn't sting as much as the notion that being 'god' status with your friends, which involves sleeping with as many randoms, having the 'best' story and drinking until you forget what happened hurts the absolute most.
I care about you. I care about what happens to you. And I'm both scared and saddened if you are attempting to find your own happiness at the bottom of a keg-stand.
Because of how I feel, I really cannot be friends with you. It's painful to be in love with someone you've wronged, and can never go back..and have them destroy themselves right in front of your eyes. All to be the life of the party, all to have your friends idolize your dangerous, reckless and foolish antics. I hope eventually you snap out of it. That you realize that you are worth so much more than a foolish story about 3 guys you took to your bedroom...
This will be the last time you will ever converse with me. I have no way of knowing if this has any effect on you - if you ever care. I guess it doesn't matter.
Please know, that I will always hold you (the you that I fell in love with ) in the highest regards. And that I would do anything to go back, and re-live our special moments.
- Colin
________________
I have decided NOT to respond to her e-mail. I think, a quiet, dignified non-response will effectively end our 2-year relationship; it didn't feel right being friends, and (although it may seem nearsighted) I can't seem to picture us being anything BUT lovers or enemies.
I shed bitter tears, in deciding not to respond - and more-so, deciding not to allow a relationship in any format to evolve from the disaster that was the end of our relationship. Even now, I write this with tears in my eyes, and a lump in my throat. I would beg her to stay, but there is no going back, at the situation I created, and followed through...
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