Post meeting jitters

I can say the worst part of the meeting was that she confirmed my worst fears...

She is drinking to the point of alcoholism, and being dangerously promiscuous again.

I'd like to say that I knew (and probably still know) Lisa better than the majority of her friends. She told me in absolute confidence that she knew she had a problem with drinking...

And that all the sleeping around, she did because she hated herself..or didn't feel adequate, or something along those lines.

To hear her come back and tell me she's gone back to the very thing she said she abhorred? Telling me her friends have raised her to 'God' status? "They think I'm a god" - ..

It hurts more than ever -

Hearing that makes me want to insert myself back into her life.

Makes me want to pull her back into mine - and get back to where we need to be - together - to grow... become better people..

There is so much I wanted to say - but I knew I couldn't. Being prepared helped me not fall apart when I told her how I feel.

At times, she was almost brought to tears - and so was I. There is still alot of unrequited love. And she my be able to lie to me- and tell me she's loving single life - but I know that isn't all true.

I miss her, and even if it's on a small level, I miss her much much more. I am changing. I'm changing into someone I want to be. I'm changing into a better person - so I can become a father, a successful content person. And in a large way, it is because of the effect she had on my life.

Enough of all this - I'm still feeling pretty queazy about all this. I'm going to put my creative energies into cleaning my room and throwing out lots of old, useless junk & cables.

The meeting day...m-day....

Nervousness is crawling up from my stomach and slowly making its way to my throat...









I thought of a few things to say/not say/be aware of:

Asking about her family, her father, mother, sister and brother. Their dog

If she says they miss me- tell her I miss them too
If she says something negative, just say that I miss them and i make mistakes just like everyone else.

Well, pathetic fallacy never fails, the weather blows today. Wish me luck!


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

The meeting...

SO - I will be meeting Lisa at Planet coffee tomorrow - 5pm.

Am I nervous?

Hell yes.

Just the thought of being in a 1-on-1 conversation with her is enough to make my stomach turn somersaults, my body perspire out of control and my heart race. When I think about her I am both completely enamored, ashamed and appalled. I still have very strong feelings for her. I still miss her, but the escapade has taught me that in love, those OIAL moments truly only happen once. (Once In A Lifetime)

In any case, I'm going to try and figure out all the possibly angles she may have to our conversation tomorrow. I will resist the urge to get horribly drunk before our engagement - I can barely stand to think about everything that happened....

What I will do:

Leave right after the OPS meeting (3pm-4pm). goto Chapters, purchase a book (Fahrenheit 451). Goto Planet Coffee (4:30ish)

What I am willing to say:

"I loved you Lisa" - notice the past-sense, not to give away current feelings

I am confused and conflicted - everything that's happened has made me ashamed. Ashamed that I didn't try harder;

Ashamed that I could let go of my pride - in favour of her, in favour of help

How I'm sorry at how things progressed, and how things ended

That my life is very routine.

I work out regularly.

I see my parents and talk to them regularly

I enjoy living alone and have moved into Michelle's Bedroom

I have made an office upstairs

I have applied to the military and have differed my enlistment for 6 months to cleanup my financial situation.

That I don't go out to clubs anymore

Spend most nights reading, and trying to broaden my horizons

What I will not say:

That I'm in love with her

That I would do anything for her

That I would give her my life if she asked

That I'm completely miserable without her

That everything I've done since, has been devoid of emotion, feeling or pride

What she might say:

That she still loves me

R: Why? You can't be in love with me - after all that's happened, you've moved on -

reconnected with your friends - etc.

That she wants me back

R: WHY? - I'm sorry Lisa, I am too confused, and conflicted to make that kind of decision right now. This is just a rash decision.

That she hates me

R: I'm sorry for what happened. I truly am Lisa. I cannot undo what's done, all I can do

is not repeat the same mistakes.

Questions - did I cheat

R: no, I did not.

Questions - did I date Emily

R: No, I did not. We were together informally for a while after I broke up with you, and

you found out I slept with her. I was ashamed that it was brought to work in such

a public manner; And I had no friends, she comforted me, and spent time with me,

and it didn't feel so bad while I was with her - for a little while at least.

Questions - how am I doing

Questions - how many times did I sleep with other peopls

R: I really don't think it's appropriate to talk about that Lisa.

Questions - am I happy

R: definitely not. I'm struggling, but I've set myself on a course that will hopefully

lead somewhere

Questions - how was my vacation

R: it was good. I sat on a beach, read (for the most part) , I drank from a coconut.

Took some dance lessons, went on a jeep tour with Angela

Questions - did you go with anybody

R: Yeah, the original plan was to go with a whole bunch of people, but after I booked, all

the others (Like Diego, Colleen, Victor, Victor's girlfriend, Tatiana and D's mom,

Mark Garnes and a few others cancelled). Ended up being just Angela and I

who followed through.

Apology: For drunken-dialing

R: It's all in the past. nobody was hurt. don't worry about the work reaction - the place is

a rumour mill anyways.

Apology: For rude messages

R: I understand you're hurt. And there is no need for an apology. I could never be angry

with you

How I will react:

Calm. Assertive (when I tell her I need to think about it, or I don't have an answer, or that's inappropriate for me to discuss)

WHAT I WILL NOT ASK:

About anything sexual.

About her trip

about what she does in her free time.

Wow - I think that's about it. I will re-read this tomorrow and make sure I'm ready for this meetin (GULP!)

The main goal is to not let her know that I'm still madly in love with her. And that I would do absolutely anything for a second chance...

NOTE: Police Academy was on - HILARIOUS, I feel like I'm 7 again....

Except it's pretty raunchy - now that I understand all the humor and discriminatory homosexual jokes...

P.S. DON'T FORGET TO SHAVE AND BRING ANOTHER SET OF CLOTHING!!!

Mobile Blogging!

New Iphone program allows me to blog from my IPhone. How novel!

failure -

last week I promised I would work out at least 4 times. I didn't even work out once!

This week I cannot fail.

The Ex-GF came back from her vacation - how do I know? I'm obsessed. She's back at it again, sleeping with randoms, telling her friends for a good laugh.

I still can't believe that she thought it would be okay to tell me in graphic detail her sexual exploits just after we'd broken up. All this, combined with her mental explosion and drunk dialing are causing me great pain and anguish.

She has asked to meet with me (sometime in the near future) to apologize and give back some of my old items.

How do I feel about this? I'm still not sure. Should I tell her how much I miss her. How much I still feel for her? Or is this suicide? I need more time for my brain to adjust to what happened between us. And the notion that I gave up, and I have to deal with it.

How hypocritical I am, my stomach turning somersaults at the thought of her fucking random guys, and her friends instigating it, and having a good laugh at her expense. How fucking foolish am I to believe I could have had any effect on her life?

Chances are, she won't e-mail me to follow up on our supposed meeting. At this point, I'm considering not responding if she does try to reach out to me. I want to hear her voice, look into her eyes and tell another lie. Lie by omission of my feelings, lie by ignoring how I feel, and by not sharing my regrets.

I truly ... still love her. There's just no going back.

This week:

Work out 4 times (a must)

Work out Rent details with Lidia

Budget lunch meals (2.50 per day)

Call Ministry of Transportation (for parking ticket)

Talk to Recruitment center about Military enlistment options

Another Day

I played basketball last night - still realizing that I let all my skill and athletic ability slip away. Replaced with a ferocious lethargy, and depression. What a challange to overcome!

I will be attempting to stimulate my dormant athletic ability - but working out more frequently.

Quick update (as this is continued from another day):

GOALS:

Weight goals - I'm 210lbs - stomach is showing bulge, not very comfortable naked.

This week (Monday-Sunday), in addition to my two sports nights (Mon/Wed) I will commit to two gym sessions this week. Either before, or after work.

Note: Buy a BIG calendar (whiteboard) on next paycheque

Financials - I signed up for more TV Channels, only to realize my roommate didn't contribute to the last bill, leaving a $500+ bill for me.

I'll pay it down over a series of increased payments. Also, I missed my rent payment (bounced check) for the third time! I agreed to pay my money order for the future, which means I need to put aside $450 for the next bill, and I also need to put aside $100 for my rogers cell phone bill. My court settlement should have been finalized this week, thus, I will need to pay $500 to cover the judgement of "no valid license" - a reduced charge. Payment will be due (approx) on March 12th, 2010. This means, I will need to put aside $250 this paycheque, and $250 next paycheque to cover this amount.

I need an additional source of income. I will re-double my efforts to either a) start fixing computers part-time outside of work - or - b) get a second job, 10-20hrs a week.

Note: Bought large flip-chart paper & markers to track progress, keep goals & focus

Debts: No progress - OSSC cheque coming out prevented me from purchasing a cell phone - will do on next paycheque, $100 budget (strict - maybe Koodo!)

$300 minimum Credit Card (Capital One), would like to push it to $1000

Routines:

In progress - re-organized and cleaned my main room. Haven't slept in my bed since Lisa and I broke up, will try to move off of the couch by March 12th (friday).

Pretty steady with Mon/Wed sports nights. I miss Gladiators (my former team).

Eating is still sporadic. My diet consists of what I know how to cook, how quickly I can cook, and how long it stays good in my fridge. This means, eggs, bacon and bread - perpetual 'brinner' .

My mother suggests frozen vegetables & rice. I have both, but I want it to be sweet, perhaps I will try integrating maple syrup or some sort of sweet dressing with it.

Lisa was always so inventive - coming up with wonderful medley's she would instantly repute. I secretly enjoyed EVERY bite - my praise having no effect. I miss those days.

Career - Military/Navy is looking promising. After research, I've realized that my limited education has yet again caused a setback. With even a College Diploma, I could start as an officer...but I will be starting at the lowest payscale. Who cares? What are my expenses after I get shipped off?

With everything that happened with lisa, I feel like the most dangerous, difficult posting would feel right. Perhaps along the way I would garner some sort of backbone.

Diego is looking to do the same. After his departure from the Westin - he's looking for a new path. New career. His successes in business rival his successes with Women. He attacks every problem with a ferocious and un-caring attitude. Only one goal, success at any cost. Nothing gets in his way. Friendships, love, health...

I admire Diego - I truly idolize his work ethic. But where he excels, and I fail, the reverse is true. I excel at love. That 1-on-1 dedication, where they will do anything for you. Want nothing but your affection and love....

Although, my success has been dampened by my own insecurities. Her success, seems to reflect my failures. Even though I couldn't be more proud of her accomplishments. Her drive, her natural abilities coupled with her determination made me love, want, fantasize and despise her all at the same time. I let the doubt consume me. Her willingness to fulfill my every need, amplified my feelings of inadequacy.

It wasn't her fault.

She was perfect in every way.

Enough babbling.

My birthday was yesterday - and I only have one reflection on my 29 years of life.

I'm a coward

I need help

I need to live - experience life

I'm reconnecting with my parents and brother (yay)

I'm getting control of my finances

My love life is a disaster.

I hate birthdays for many reasons - some of them involve people dying in and around the date of February 12th. Some of them involve a hatred for getting older - time is the fire in which we all burn. It's a reminder that I've squandered precious time, wasting what little I have for useless ventures and failed conquests.

Happiness has always slipped away.

END

A new beginning - a new end

Horribly addicted to loud music. Not because I'm a metal fan, or enjoy powerchords, but - because it helps drown out my own thoughts and feelings. I put my earphones in, find the loudest, most ear-shattering song, put my head down and walk home.

I sometimes wonder what people think when they see me walking. Do they hear the music? Do they think I'm homeless? Or maybe have some sort of disability - whatever the cause, I am so caught up in wallowing in my own shame, I can't care about anything else.

The girl

I've had some spectacular failures in my lifetime, but this seems to be the biggest failure to date.

I dropped out of College; I failed many courses in high school, didn't have the grades to get into University, and not enough will power to stick to any specific job. Yes - I am a master of the gift-of-gab. That initial 'halo' effect dissolves quickly once others realize that I am low in substance, and full of shit.

This is the part where I prattle on about how amazing she is/was. The truth is, she wasn't perfect - nobody is. She was a perfectionist. She was always nervous about what people thought. She always covered up pain with laughter. She drank too much. She couldn't let go of the past.

I loved her - totally. And it's only after breaking up with her, and seeing how incomplete i am without her, do I realize what a mistake, what a foolish person i am. I gave up on the 1 thing in my life that was %100 for certain. Now I spend my evenings sleeping on my couch - wearing the same pair of sox/underwear and pants to work day-in-day-out. Nothing matters, only the pain feels real.

When I start feeling normal, good feelings. I want to hurt myself.

I feel like pain is the only tie I have with her. Pain, it feels righteous, feels justified. Almost feels good....is that strange?

Here is my goals:

Lose Weight / Get in Shape

Clean Up my Debts

Establish routines - (workout, meal breaks, activities/hobbies)

Get a new career!

Unreasonable? Possibly. Ambitious? Definitely.

I need to stop torturing myself. I guess it's comforting to know she's moved on - and adjusting well. Lots of friends to rely on, never a quiet night in her place. Never a cold bed at night...