Resisting

Trying not to look at her profile.
It's been a few weeks, my deep depression is starting to fade, as are the memories. Having a terrible memory seldom has any rewards.

Still miss many things about her...still have many moments that a story or scenario "reminds me of". Working to cover up....everything.

I'm beginning to forget the reason for my self torture..knowing only the pain. The desire to make amends, but not the determination.

Tomorrow will bring a new day, filled with as many pitfalls as yesterday, and the same perilous risk.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Dealing...

It's been a week since I met the ex....and i've been dealing with the emotions - the decision to not continue any relationship (friend or otherwise) with her still wears heavily on me.

The realization of how strongly the feelings for her are, and how their continued presence, although diminished in effect, still have enough influnce to bring tears and give pause...

I find myself hoping Ill never see her again....
Even though it pains me..eventually, this feeling will fade, like an old scar...
There is no point establishing a relationship with her. We were never friends, we began as lovers, and in this world, there is no future as anything else...



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Days later

Changes in my life are like fireworks...

Exciting, they illuminate everything for a short time

unsent e-mail....

Her Message:

Hi,

Sorry for my LONG response time - I've been travelling and away from internet access.

Please take this with a grain of salt. Guylaine told me that she was happy you were considering joining the Navy because she claims that Devooght has been "gunning for you" for a long time. Guylaine claims that in all of her actions with Andrea about the future of the business centre and hotel operations in general, Devooght has been trying to make the IT department a scapegoat for anything that doesn't work perfectly.

It's coming from Guylaine, so it's probably not anything to worry about.

Also, I'd like to clarify something that I said during coffee... you asked me if I learned anything from dating you, and I said "I've learned not to trust anyone" - that was wrong. I guess I was attempting to sting you one more time. I really wanted to say that from dating you, I learned that I need to prioritize myself and not lose myself - When we dated, I lost track of many of my priorities, and sacrificed aspects of my identity because I was so blinded by my adoration for you. I know now in my future that when I date (perhaps this should say IF i date), I will be more committed to my own happiness rather than being the perfect girlfriend. Please know that I do not blame you for my losing of myself - it was me, not you.

Geez, what a lengthy e-mail. I'd enjoy a coffee with you in the future, but may be a long way off - I am moving home to St.T.

My Response (is nothing - but this is what I want to say:)

Dear Lisa.

I love you. I still do, and until my dying days, I will always love you. You say that you were trying to "sting" me by telling me I taught you never to trust anyone. This doesn't sting as much as the notion that being 'god' status with your friends, which involves sleeping with as many randoms, having the 'best' story and drinking until you forget what happened hurts the absolute most.

I care about you. I care about what happens to you. And I'm both scared and saddened if you are attempting to find your own happiness at the bottom of a keg-stand.

Because of how I feel, I really cannot be friends with you. It's painful to be in love with someone you've wronged, and can never go back..and have them destroy themselves right in front of your eyes. All to be the life of the party, all to have your friends idolize your dangerous, reckless and foolish antics. I hope eventually you snap out of it. That you realize that you are worth so much more than a foolish story about 3 guys you took to your bedroom...

This will be the last time you will ever converse with me. I have no way of knowing if this has any effect on you - if you ever care. I guess it doesn't matter.

Please know, that I will always hold you (the you that I fell in love with ) in the highest regards. And that I would do anything to go back, and re-live our special moments.

- Colin

________________

I have decided NOT to respond to her e-mail. I think, a quiet, dignified non-response will effectively end our 2-year relationship; it didn't feel right being friends, and (although it may seem nearsighted) I can't seem to picture us being anything BUT lovers or enemies.

I shed bitter tears, in deciding not to respond - and more-so, deciding not to allow a relationship in any format to evolve from the disaster that was the end of our relationship. Even now, I write this with tears in my eyes, and a lump in my throat. I would beg her to stay, but there is no going back, at the situation I created, and followed through...

Post meeting jitters

I can say the worst part of the meeting was that she confirmed my worst fears...

She is drinking to the point of alcoholism, and being dangerously promiscuous again.

I'd like to say that I knew (and probably still know) Lisa better than the majority of her friends. She told me in absolute confidence that she knew she had a problem with drinking...

And that all the sleeping around, she did because she hated herself..or didn't feel adequate, or something along those lines.

To hear her come back and tell me she's gone back to the very thing she said she abhorred? Telling me her friends have raised her to 'God' status? "They think I'm a god" - ..

It hurts more than ever -

Hearing that makes me want to insert myself back into her life.

Makes me want to pull her back into mine - and get back to where we need to be - together - to grow... become better people..

There is so much I wanted to say - but I knew I couldn't. Being prepared helped me not fall apart when I told her how I feel.

At times, she was almost brought to tears - and so was I. There is still alot of unrequited love. And she my be able to lie to me- and tell me she's loving single life - but I know that isn't all true.

I miss her, and even if it's on a small level, I miss her much much more. I am changing. I'm changing into someone I want to be. I'm changing into a better person - so I can become a father, a successful content person. And in a large way, it is because of the effect she had on my life.

Enough of all this - I'm still feeling pretty queazy about all this. I'm going to put my creative energies into cleaning my room and throwing out lots of old, useless junk & cables.

The meeting day...m-day....

Nervousness is crawling up from my stomach and slowly making its way to my throat...









I thought of a few things to say/not say/be aware of:

Asking about her family, her father, mother, sister and brother. Their dog

If she says they miss me- tell her I miss them too
If she says something negative, just say that I miss them and i make mistakes just like everyone else.

Well, pathetic fallacy never fails, the weather blows today. Wish me luck!


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

The meeting...

SO - I will be meeting Lisa at Planet coffee tomorrow - 5pm.

Am I nervous?

Hell yes.

Just the thought of being in a 1-on-1 conversation with her is enough to make my stomach turn somersaults, my body perspire out of control and my heart race. When I think about her I am both completely enamored, ashamed and appalled. I still have very strong feelings for her. I still miss her, but the escapade has taught me that in love, those OIAL moments truly only happen once. (Once In A Lifetime)

In any case, I'm going to try and figure out all the possibly angles she may have to our conversation tomorrow. I will resist the urge to get horribly drunk before our engagement - I can barely stand to think about everything that happened....

What I will do:

Leave right after the OPS meeting (3pm-4pm). goto Chapters, purchase a book (Fahrenheit 451). Goto Planet Coffee (4:30ish)

What I am willing to say:

"I loved you Lisa" - notice the past-sense, not to give away current feelings

I am confused and conflicted - everything that's happened has made me ashamed. Ashamed that I didn't try harder;

Ashamed that I could let go of my pride - in favour of her, in favour of help

How I'm sorry at how things progressed, and how things ended

That my life is very routine.

I work out regularly.

I see my parents and talk to them regularly

I enjoy living alone and have moved into Michelle's Bedroom

I have made an office upstairs

I have applied to the military and have differed my enlistment for 6 months to cleanup my financial situation.

That I don't go out to clubs anymore

Spend most nights reading, and trying to broaden my horizons

What I will not say:

That I'm in love with her

That I would do anything for her

That I would give her my life if she asked

That I'm completely miserable without her

That everything I've done since, has been devoid of emotion, feeling or pride

What she might say:

That she still loves me

R: Why? You can't be in love with me - after all that's happened, you've moved on -

reconnected with your friends - etc.

That she wants me back

R: WHY? - I'm sorry Lisa, I am too confused, and conflicted to make that kind of decision right now. This is just a rash decision.

That she hates me

R: I'm sorry for what happened. I truly am Lisa. I cannot undo what's done, all I can do

is not repeat the same mistakes.

Questions - did I cheat

R: no, I did not.

Questions - did I date Emily

R: No, I did not. We were together informally for a while after I broke up with you, and

you found out I slept with her. I was ashamed that it was brought to work in such

a public manner; And I had no friends, she comforted me, and spent time with me,

and it didn't feel so bad while I was with her - for a little while at least.

Questions - how am I doing

Questions - how many times did I sleep with other peopls

R: I really don't think it's appropriate to talk about that Lisa.

Questions - am I happy

R: definitely not. I'm struggling, but I've set myself on a course that will hopefully

lead somewhere

Questions - how was my vacation

R: it was good. I sat on a beach, read (for the most part) , I drank from a coconut.

Took some dance lessons, went on a jeep tour with Angela

Questions - did you go with anybody

R: Yeah, the original plan was to go with a whole bunch of people, but after I booked, all

the others (Like Diego, Colleen, Victor, Victor's girlfriend, Tatiana and D's mom,

Mark Garnes and a few others cancelled). Ended up being just Angela and I

who followed through.

Apology: For drunken-dialing

R: It's all in the past. nobody was hurt. don't worry about the work reaction - the place is

a rumour mill anyways.

Apology: For rude messages

R: I understand you're hurt. And there is no need for an apology. I could never be angry

with you

How I will react:

Calm. Assertive (when I tell her I need to think about it, or I don't have an answer, or that's inappropriate for me to discuss)

WHAT I WILL NOT ASK:

About anything sexual.

About her trip

about what she does in her free time.

Wow - I think that's about it. I will re-read this tomorrow and make sure I'm ready for this meetin (GULP!)

The main goal is to not let her know that I'm still madly in love with her. And that I would do absolutely anything for a second chance...

NOTE: Police Academy was on - HILARIOUS, I feel like I'm 7 again....

Except it's pretty raunchy - now that I understand all the humor and discriminatory homosexual jokes...

P.S. DON'T FORGET TO SHAVE AND BRING ANOTHER SET OF CLOTHING!!!