Weirdest dream...

Dreamt I was about to get it on with this amazing redhead- and Omid fro work was there, fucking cock blocking!

Waiting to die

I feel like there is evil inside of me. Evil I can barely control...

My only ability to prevent it from doing something terrible, is to inflict pain on myself. Not physical, no..I haven't the taste for that. It plays with my decisions. With my emotions, with my very life.

I sabotage myself, continuously - the endgame being suicide. When I cannot bear it any longer, a quick jump, stab, or long sleep will offer to peaceful salvation, only physically harming myself, while leaving emotional scars on those that do care (which at this point, is a short list and completely oblivious people)

Unhappy, unemployed, hopeless. These are the words I see etched across my pathetic and pitiful face when I look in the mirror. Disgusted, ashamed, dishonored. These words I hear in my solitude. The self help books I've bought over and over again, and never finished would probably offer some explanation on these moods, not that I would listen to them.

I feel like I've been on this ride too long, and I need to get off. Depression, suicide, sorrow, solitude, the need to push everyone and everything that wants to help away. I can't stand the stares, pity in their eyes, the pity in their voice. The uninformed optimism in their hapless advice.

My life has been ending 1 minute at a time, and unlike my friends and family, I have not made the best of it - and I'm not even having a good time. Days like these I envy the homeless drug addicts just a few streets from here. Living yours days out in complete disorientation, knowing that you're at rock bottom, and can go no lower...must be freeing.

There's something truly comforting in having no hope. You start to look at those people who are successful as a different entity altogether. They're the pure, righteous, noble and honorable people. They have no need to consort with the likes of me. And in some small way, I'm doing all those people a favor, by removing myself from their responsibility. They no longer have to uphold their standard of assisting those in need with me. I will disappear, fall off the radar, move and build a putrid little life elsewhere. Non-existent and out of reach.

This time, I won't make the mistake of making friends. Of making associations with people who would grow to care. I won't bother myself with discovering who is good and who is bad. I'll just exist.

Too much emotion for one day, and what comes to mind the most at these junctures?

Lisa. How things may have been different. And especially, how my decision to remove her from my life, was the best thing to happen to her. She won't try to desperately hang on as I sink deeper and deeper into depression. She won't feel the pain of defeat when she realizes I cannot be saved.

Anger is so much easier to deal with...

Failing Hurts...alot

Weeks after my discovery (well, I shouldn't be surprised) that my Ex is moving on and doing very well, I still haven't changed.

My life is still fraught with disaster, stress and impending doom. I just can't seem to get motivated and dig myself out. Let me list some of the things that have gone terribly wrong:

1) Rent was due, and I haven't paid yet.

2) I haven't been working out - but lie about it to anyone who asks

3) I still haven't found a job, or found out exactly what education I need to get into the program I require

4) I've never been so depressed...

5) The women in my life are beginning to resent me for the depression

6) I Can't connect with anyone romantically, because I am so completely lost

7) I STILL can't seem to clean my room

8) Michelle decided she's not coming back next year, which screws me (so I'm moving out)

9) Bills are due (Cell and Rogers Cable) over $1000 that I don't have

10) My parents hate me, I don't call them back, or answer their calls...

What am I doing about it?

Today I sat on the Ottawa River and:

1) Applied to a few jobs

2) Finished my resume and cover letter

3) finished my preparation chapter for the book I'm reading (about body language)

4) Talked to my landlord about rent and getting money from my LIF (Life Income Fund) to pay in advance

Tomorrow, I goto Brockville with Angela, hopefully, spending time with her will take my mind off of all this craziness.

Today, I will finish tidying up

A)Michelle's room (after seeing Angela)

B) Find out about taking online courses for Math (for entrance to College)

C) Apply for a few more jobs (government etc)

D) Send my application for EQUIFAX out (for my free credit report)

E) Establish a plan to call the creditors and figure out how I can pay them (slowly)

Hopefully, my next post will have more progress.

Dawn of a new day.

Second chances begin now.

I was invited out to dinner with this amazing married couple last night. It is always humbling to spend time with people who have high morals, stand up for what they believe in, and eat very well.

The aftermath of a night of good conversation, food and sharing alcohol is that my stomach cannot take it, thus I blog from the confines of my dumpy lavatory, a victim of not taking the correct medication, and defaulting on my 'no beer' rule.

A few things have come up that I needed to write. A quote from Eleanor Roosevelt : great minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events and simple minds discuss people.

and

Nothing is to small to know, and nothing is too big to attempt.

The conversations I've had last night were of the idyllic nature, which means that last night I spent time discussing my view on the global warming conundrum and drinking beer- what an awesome night.

Gym membership is in full effect, today will be my first official day. I punched out of working out this week because of a developing injury so hopefully today will go swimmingly.

Wish me luck...

Excercise and responsibility

My procrastinating ways are far from over.

I'm still battling my own lethargy, flavoured with my own unique self-pity and heightened wallowing ability. I have broke down on my workout plan. All is not lost, only 4 days off so far, and if I can get my shit together, tomorrow will be a good day.

Money problems have mounted though, down to $114 in my account, and only 15 days to come up with $890 for rent, not to mention bills!

Here is my to do list for the next 48 hours.

1) Visit H&R Block, those bastards still have my taxes fucked up, and I'm pissed. I'm demanding a refund at the point.

2) Sort all my dirty clothes, hang up the clean ones in Michelle's Bedroom

3) CLEAN HER ROOM (in general)

4) Clean the back deck

5) Clean the main room

6) Cleanup Upstairs room

7) Go for a run (x2)

8) Weight Train (x2)

9) Put ad for room rental, $550 all included (furnished room with A/C, in the market) 5 months only.

10) Put an ad up for computer repair (free advice by e-mail, cheap repair rates)

Experienced technician, (10 years professionally).

11) Finished fixing Lidia's computer

12) Finish setting up Angela's media centre PC

13) Goto the recruiting office and ask about debt, and how it related to the Canadian Military, available positions, training

14) Goto Government University, Colleges and Training Offices to ask about going back to school

I've been keeping up with my no-beer rule (only allowed once a week) - and I've continued to avoid junk food at all costs. Though not working out for 4 days makes me feel shitty. I need to re-double my efforts to drink the required amount of water per day.

Hopefully, with a decent dinner and good sleep tonight, I will attack mt duties tomorrow with renewed vengeance.

That's it for now!

dreams and nightmares

SO,

Alot has happened. I was fired from my job of almost 5 Years....

It was painful. They smiles as they told me my employment was being terminated. I am recovering, starving for money, and bitter from all the additional hours I put in, and all the weekends, friendships and relationships I've sacrificed for that business.

The Canadian Military is my next challenge. I'm going to change my life. Before I'm 30 years old I will be 1) Healthy, in-shape 2) in the military, at the beginning of my career.

What brought on the dreams/nightmares title of this entry, refers to a dream I had a few nights ago. Dreams seem to real, and even when you wake up, the feelings you experiences linger for days, or weeks depending on their intensity. The feelings are still here, more than a week later, and they've driven me to make a major life change.

The DREAM:

I bumped into my ex girlfriend Lisa, somewhere in Ottawa. And she looked absolutely stunning. She had clearly lost weight, had a good natural tan, and was full of life. The way I remember her when I met her. And I... Well I looked like I do now. I felt foolish, and stupid.

When I woke up, I immediately creeped her on facebook. From the limited access, I could see her profile picture, showing a toned, muscle ripped midriff, and a healthy tan. I was pissed off.

I'm not angry with her, I am so completely happy for her - excited and pleased that she is looking great, and seems to be enjoying her life, much more-so that I'm not involved.

I was upset with myself. From the age of 8-20, I was always overly physically active. Spent most friday afternoons playing basketball with the teachers at my schools, friday nights at the gym playing basketball, swimming or working out. Saturdays playing basketball outdoors, or at the Nepean Sportsplex, Sundays's playing basketball at Jockvale Elementary. And Mondays, playing at Cedarview church.

I have spent the last 10 years, working behind desks, pushing buttons (and paper) - and it has taken those 10 years to destroy my previously decent physique and endurance.

I have to kick it up a few notches. I take that back, I need to change my entire life to get back on track. Feeling good, and looking good are usually linked together. I haven't felt good about my body since I left High School!

So, On Tuesday, I started a workout plan to feel good, and look good. Here are the deets:

I complete to do two physical activities a day, one cardio and one strength.

Cardio is Either running (minimum 2k), or rollerblading (minimum 5k). Once I receive my gym membership, I will also substitute swimming for 30 minutes (laps) and biking (30 minutes)

Strenth include 50 situps or 50 pushups a day, and once the gym membership is finalized, a standard 30 minute strenth training session (lower, core or upper).

ADDITIONAL RULES:

NO JUNK FOOD (which includes: wedges plus, macdonalds, candy, sugary cereal, pastries chips, popcorn, soft drinks and specially snack foods like chocolate bars, marshmallows and ice cream!) Beer only once a week.

I started by drafting this plan, then throwing out ALL the junk food in my house. Buying salad's and fresh fruit weekly, and eating nuts and dried fruit as snacks. WHAT A CHANGE!

Unfortunately, there is a side effect of my increased physical activity. My achilles heel on my right foot is giving me alot of pain. The research I've done on the internet suggests that it is a) not serious and b) it is caused by the sudden increase in physical activity. I need to stretch more, elevate it and put Ice on it in the future. I will abstain from running, instead turning to rollerblading and other low-impact exercises for my cardio.

For now, time to sleep, GO SPAIN (world cup 2010)

Days Gone By...

Sitting at a Mt. Trembland resort, chillin' with Diego, his family and friends- I find it hard to believe 1 year ago, I was reeling from one of the worst mistakes/breakups I've ever had.

It stings to this day, and I find myself wondering if she still feels the same way. Some days, I would do anything to have her back. Otherdays, it is completely apparent we didn't have a chance in my current (previous) state.

I still check her facebook profile from time to time (just like me, no updates). I still think about her all the time. I have a collection of her stuff I need to return, and am both dreading and excited about her possibly returning to Ottawa (Carleton).

Eternally sorry for everything that has happened, I have removed myself from friend and acquiaintences that do not matter. I have started to work out vehimently so out next encounter I will look decent, like I've been taking care of myself.

I really have been. I feel better than I ever have, working out and eating right. (Still need more fruits and vegetables...) Now I just need a career to move myself into the right position in life.